Marriage

"God made all kinds of wild animals, all kinds of cattle, and all kinds of creeping things of the earth. God saw how good it was. Then God said: "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and the cattle, and over all the wild animals and all the creatures that crawl on the ground." God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:25–27


"The LORD God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him." Genesis 2:18

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame." Genesis 2:24-25

"Woman is not independent of man or man of woman in the Lord. For just as woman came from man, so man is born of woman; but all things are from God." 1 Corinthians 11:11-12

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"For I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel, and covering one's garment with injustice, says the LORD of hosts; You must then safeguard life that is your own, and not break faith." Malachi 2:16

If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any compassion and mercy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but (also) everyone for those of others." Philippians 2:1-4

"So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church. In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband." Ephesians 5:28-33

"The beginning of wisdom is: get wisdom; at the cost of all you have, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

"Like a golden earring, or a necklace of fine gold, is a wise reprover to an obedient ear." Proverbs 25:12

"Know this, my dear brothers: everyone should be quick to hear, 11 slow to speak, slow to wrath." James 1:19


Marriage is supposed to be a wonderful and joyous experience where you can feel total acceptance by your spouse. It is also the hardest thing in life that takes constant work and attention. It requires intentional effort and persistence. You will need to learn to love each other and become love for one another after the “feelings” wear off. You will also need to learn to build a trust level, lean on each other and bring 100% to the marriage. Marriage is a public vow you make as well as a sacred covenant between one man and one woman with God being in the center of your relationship as you remain committed to the other for a lifetime. Marriage is meant to be a representation of Christ and His love for the Church, and your marriage should reflect God's image. It should allow you to depend on God's power to build your covenant marriage on trust, and a total commitment to Him.

The Church speaks of marriage as an intimate community of life and love founded by God. It is a strong relationship which forms the foundation of the Church, and we as Christians need to prevent the Church from weakening with dysfunctional and unhealthy marriages. God's ideal plan is that both partners in a marriage know Him personally, that they are first a part of His family before they try to build a family of their own. He created you to give yourself totally to your spouse for the rest of your life. A marriage is built when the two of you deny your selfishness and yield to Jesus Christ for the purpose of loving and serving your spouse. Jesus Christ will begin the process of building your home if you let Him and allow you to use all of the resources and tools He will equip you with.

The Lord offers his spirit of love and grace to establish this kind of communion or oneness. If you don't allow the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives, you will lack the power to build your marriage with the oneness God intends. The Holy Spirit will help you control your temper and impatience as well as the hurtful words that you will later regret. And as you submit to Holy Spirit's control of your life, the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, etc., will move you toward oneness.

Satan wants to destroy marriages and the connection between the two of you. He likes it because it causes so much hurt and pain to everyone, to each spouse, the children, the rest of the family and friends. He plants thoughts in your mind, and he sends the wrong people onto your path to get you to think about other things. He does this to distract you from your marital commitment; he does this to doubt yourself and your spouse; he does this to threaten your moral fidelity. So you don't want to take your eyes off of Christ and open the door for Satan to step in. God hates divorce and would prefer you to work through your issues and restore your relationship.

If you put your marriage in God's hands, you'll be amazed at what He can do. God doesn't just want you to get through your problems; He wants you to grow through them. It is God's will that you enjoy marriage and He will meet your needs if you ask Him and allow you to grow together and get each other to Heaven. If you don't give up and continue to press on, your commitment, love and compassion can continue to grow for each other. You need to remain committed to your sacred covenant obligation because your children's marriages, your legacy, and the strength of the Church all depend upon it. Once you have given up and broken your marriage, it will be that much easier to break the next marriage. This is because what you are searching for will never be found in an individual or within yourself but will only be found and satisfied with a real relationship with God.

To help you understand God's role in marriage, you have to realize that God is the source of marriage, and you need to acknowledge His part in designing men and women, despite their differences. A godly marriage has at its center “agape” love (as opposed to the sexual kind called “eros”). Agape is unconditional and is demonstrated best by Christ's love for the Church. This is the kind of love that God wants you to build as a foundation of your marriage. And you don’t “fall in” agape. It is purposeful and unconditional love that requires commitment and shouldn't change based on life's circumstances. Adam accepted God's gift totally—he received Eve as God's gift to Him. He trusted God totally, knowing this woman was God's answer for his needs. Many marriages today are insecure and breaking down because the husband and wife have stopped accepting each other and have stopped trusting God. Instead each spouse may be focusing on each other’s differences and weaknesses.

Marriage is God's idea and some choose to redefine marriage because they don't believe in God’s standards. We should let principles taught in Scripture define marriage instead of letting the culture do it. Marriage requires “leaving and cleaving,” a choice to leave your parents, join together with your spouse and build a relationship. This enables a husband and wife to become united, to become one flesh and experience a type of oneness. Then a true unity of body and soul, a total commitment to God and to each other can be allowed to form. When you learn to draw close to Jesus, He will redirect you back to your spouse so you will be dependent on one another, experience companionship and complete each other. God wants you to learn to become the husband or wife He created and intended you to be.

Being united to your spouse means forming a permanent bond. It means committing yourself to a lifelong marriage. Unfortunately, commitment is the missing ingredient in many marriages. Many want out when the relationship changes or becomes more difficult. Remember the vows you spoke to each other and to God – “Through sickness and health, good times and bad, rich or poor … 'Till death do us part"? It is not some kind of social contract-something you just "do" for as long as you both shall "love."

Respect, constructive communication and forgiveness are essential to a marriage. Selfishness can threaten a marriage. While dating and all through your engagement, you may do everything to attract and please your spouse-to-be. Then, once we are married, selfishness and pride can get in the way. You need to set aside your selfish interests for the good of each other as well as for the good of your marriage. Instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. You must love your neighbor (our spouse) as much as you love yourself. Instead of thinking about a relationship being a 50/50 plan, think of it as a 100/100 plan which would require a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your spouse. Rather than, "You do your part and I'll do mine," each spouse needs to say, "I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return. I am committed to this relationship for a lifetime, and I will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and keep the family going." It is impossible to determine when your spouse has met you halfway so you shouldn't base it on your spouse’s performance. Giving 100%, treating your spouse with the respect they deserve, staying connected, accepting change, supporting growth in yourself and your spouse, sharing parental and housework duties, and listening are ways to bring on a more loving relationship and friendship for you and your soul mate.

You'll have to stop seeing yourself as the victim or "good one" and leave the bitterness in a marriage behind. You need to let go of the expectations and see the good in each other. Change the way you respond to your spouse no matter how it hurts. Your positive behavior and humility will be contagious and encourage cooperation. Both of you need to take responsibility for your actions and learn from your human mistakes since you are bound to hurt each other even in an unintentional way. That is where forgiveness plays in and you have to sincerely apologize and correct the problem for the future of your relationship or to restore your marriage. And know that you may have to wait on and pray for a long time for this change of heart for yourself or your spouse. You can use the hard times in your relationship to grow from the experience and improve who you are as a person. Criticism, comparing your spouse to others, being defensive, using a snippy, attacking tone of voice, taking the other for granted and having apathy can also harm the relationship. Instead, practice common courtesy, respect and be sensitive to the others needs and feelings.

You can pinpoint the exact problems and list quarrels and conflicts among yourselves and communicate your expectations so you have a clear understanding of the issues. Then identify the solutions, write them down, make them measurable, achievable and don't forget to put them into action and become solution focused. Since men and women are wired differently, you must live with your spouse’s differences and appreciate them, and may even have to compromise and negotiate on matters. You must honor your spouse and learn the male and female differences in communication. Men may have to learn to listen attentively with empathy and try hard to understand your wife's feelings without retreating; women may have to stop thinking they can solve your husband's problems and refrain from giving advice unless they are actually asking for help. You can ask your spouse what they need or ask what you can do for them today. Clearly let them know what your needs are so they can be met.

It is so easy to focus on surface issues and focus on one another's weaknesses than their strengths. Don't keep a running tab on your spouse’s mistakes and wrong choices. This will only lead to resentment and bitterness. It allows you to finger point and blame your spouse rather than looking at yourself and take personal responsibility for your role in the marriage. Instead of thinking about all those little surface issues that you think are “so bad” about your spouse, think about those deep qualities of your spouse. Think about the character of your spouse, their parenting skills or their good work ethic, their devotion to you - .those things that really matter in a relationship. Those are the characteristics and qualities that make them who they are, that attracted you to them in the first place and made you fall in love. You should have a mentor to emulate and pattern your relationship after. Making yourself accountable to a friend and surround yourself with others who have been there.

Incorporate forgiveness since Jesus has shown us how to forgive. He gave us the grace and unconditional love so continually make an effort to accept each other. Only Jesus has the power to change your heart and put you in right-standing with God. There may be times when you can't imagine even touching or looking at our spouse again, but then when your emotions calm down, you can see how you overestimated your little irritations, annoyances and frustrations. Unfortunately, some spouses continue in that cycle over and over until the bad thoughts and strong feelings win and call it quits.

Follow these tips to make your marriage more rich and meaningful, fuller and rewarding:

Practice the challenging discipline of prayer together as a couple as well as on an individual basis. Pray for each other, and the relationship for God to protect your marriage. This can be quite the spiritual discipline but making it a daily habit can help you resolve conflicts and keep the communication lines open and your dependence on Christ. When you invite God into your marriage on a daily basis, He will change things. Since he initiated the relationship, isn't it fitting that you bring your struggles and concerns to Him? Daily prayer prevents divorce and makes marriages stronger. Couples who pray together frequently (at least three times per week) have higher levels of marital satisfaction than those who don't. You will benefit by growing closer to each other and God, while strengthening your values and having a more intimate relationship. You could pray spontaneously, read from the Bible, do devotionals or Liturgy of the Hours together or even hold hands and have silent meditation.

You can learn a constructive conflict resolution/management style. The speaker can speak for themself, keeping their statements brief,l while stopping to let the listener paraphrase. The listener can parrot talk back and focus on the speaker's message without rebutting. Remember not to start difficult conversations late at night or when you are short on time. Model honor and respect as you relate to one another in your marriage, and as you relate to your children. This doesn't mean you won't argue with each other on occasion, but let the kids know that you have a differing opinion on a matter right now. That will help you settle down and it also assures them that you love, honor, and respect one another. In some cases your might want to postpone the remainder of your "conversation" until later after the children were in bed.

After you have acknowledged that there is a problem, clearly define it and discuss how serious of a issue it is to both of you (on a scale of 1-10). You must follow the steps of agreeing where to start, considering your contributions to it, clarifying who will do what, discussing possible solutions and come up with a mutually acceptable one. Then pray about it and put your plan into action and see if it works. If you can't agree on a solution, flip a coin or bargain some of your personal needs with some of your relationship needs. You may even find later what you thought was a big problem is just a miscommunication. Be sure to not use personal attacks, bring up past mistakes and failures, or "You always/never" statements but understand your spouse’s perspectives. Really listen, hear and have empathy and express your concerns in a healthy, mature fashion. You can also improve your skills in adjusting to your differences, resolving conflict, communicating expectations while speaking the truth in love, listening to each other and forgiving each other. You'll realize that your spouse and your relationship are not perfect but you can still have the joy which come from strengthening your marriage to work through the problems together and in the process learn to respect, listen, love and honor each other while increasing understanding and intimacy.

Spend focused time together by scheduling regular dates with your spouse. Plan a weekend getaway away from your usual environment and demands of the ordinary grind to catch up with each other and share from your heart. Put your date night in writing once a month and even aim for two. Make it fresh, fun and interactive. It will be an opportunity to evaluate your marriage and parenting and, if necessary, redirect your family plan. Without any of the everyday distractions and demanding schedules, you can concentrate on romancing each other, cultivate the often forgotten-art of holding hands and find each other again. Show affection with small gestures of hugs and kisses and verbally tell them you love them on a daily basis. Have sex regularly even if you have to schedule it in and talk about your sex life. Avoid sharing your personal problems and pressures with someone of the opposite sex since this closeness could lead to intimate emotional and a physical relationship. Also, avoid pornography which leads to addictive behavior which leads to unrealistic expectations and will only destruct your marriage.

Invest in your relationship by carving out some time for each other on a day-to-day basis. Make your spouse first, do not get too busy and over schedule yourself. Spend more time with each other and less time on the computer with shopping, e-mailing and networking. Dedicate 10 minutes of uninterrupted time every day focusing just on each other with undivided attention by dropping what you're doing, making eye contact, and genuinely being interested in what your spouse is saying. Have meaningful conversations about your day, current events, memories and your dreams - just don't discuss your marriage at these times. You'll feel closer, renewed and stronger. You need to give each other encouragement and words of affirmation, acts of service, speaking of their strengths, catch them being good and give one compliment a day. After all, the most effective way to modify your spouse’s behavior is to reinforce or positively reward them when they are doing what you want them to do. You need to find commonalities and the same interests to also enrich your marriage. Always go to bed at the same time allowing for some pillow talk. Play and have fun and remember to build, nurture and tend to your marriage one day at a time. You'll have a greater love, and it will be worth the process of extending grace to them and start making your relationship a priority. So turn your combative heart into a collaborative heart and watch your marriage transform.